crisis of conscience

I suffer from a crisis of conscience that is often a debilitating condition. This condition is a chronic problem because the causes just wont go away. I'm sure that I'm not the only person who suffers from this yet unnamed disease. The epidemic use of antidepressants in this country provides some circumstantial evidence of the widespread infection that plagues those who are relatively well educated and rational.

I understand that I am a lucky person living a very privileged life. As an American, I live well beyond my means. My very lifestyle contributes to the destruction of the world. If the world was a village...

I know that my view comes from standing on the shoulders of giants. I realize that my cushy life is the result of the cumulative labors of our ancestors. I appreciate that it took thousands of years to cultivate the foods and domesticate the animals that we now too often take for granted. I marvel at the technological achievements accumulated throughout the centuries that provide the potential for creating a veritable heaven on earth. I cry at the selfishness, greed and lack of compassion that a corrupt and insane ruling class that has emerged to usher in the Great Collapse.

The fate of the ecosystem of an entire planet is now in the hands of one dominant species, homo-sapiens-sapiens and we are proving to be extremely poor stewards. We are now witnessing the sixth mass extinction of life. We are altering the composition of the land, water and atmosphere, making them toxic to life as we have known it. We are crossing the tipping points while we are preoccupied with our day to day struggles to maintain our unsustainable systems. We fight for sanity in an insane world.

It makes no sense to me why I should go to work in an unsustainable system just to try to get by as a meager wage slave. I know that our political system is rigged so the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. I have worked long enough and hard enough to realize that my efforts benefit a select few for the detriment to the few and leave me with too little time and energy to fight for what is right.

As a consequence, I drink too much to numb myself from the pain and guilt that plagues my psyche. I smoke cigarettes to stimulate my intoxicated mind and only realize my personal and our collective insanity. I watch television to escape the ugly realities of our times. I am all too aware of the infotainment that serves what the founding fathers fought so hard against.

So I cruise the web and listen to alternative and independent media in an attempt to discern the truth from the lies which leaves me with growing despair that I fight desperately overcome. I ponder and plot as my koan echos in my mind, "what would Buddha do?"

The best answer I can find is Integral Activism.


Judgment Day is here. The final battle between good and evil has begun, but it is a subtle war within the hearts and minds of humanity that few are able to fully comprehend.

Update: after having a heart attack, I no longer smoke. I haven't had any alcohol either. I am cultivating clarity